Parenting with a Chronic Illness – What Moms Need
Mommy moments come in all forms of days at the park, birthday parties with streamers, and gymnastics classes. All of these provide the perfect opportunity for mothers to let their little ones burn some energy as well as share in their latest challenges. As the amount of women who live with chronic illnesses such as diabetes and rheumatoid arthritis, continues to grow, however, so does the ability to always participate in these spontaneous mommy moments.
According to the National Fibromyalgia Association, fibromyalgia (FM) experts estimate that about 10 million Americans and approximately 5 percent of the population worldwide live with this disabling condition of FM, one of the fastest growing auto-immune diseases in the USA. When I recently went to my adoptive moms play date group, even within this niche group, three out of the six of us had chronic illnesses. Being aware of they illness symptoms a friend may cope with, and the daily changes in their limitations and abilities, can make a big difference in how much they are willing to be a part of a mom’s group and feel comfortable around other moms who all seem to jump hurdles at the speed of light.
[1]. Don’t be hesitant to ask what time of the day is best for play-dates or activities. For someone with a chronic illness, this will vary from season to season (weather can impact it a lot); and also from one illness to another. For some moms, mornings are good and afternoons are exhausting; for others it’s the other way around. Heat combined with illness can make it impossible for a chronically ill mom to even be outside for long.
[2] Be understanding if she has to cancel, rather than bombarding her with guilt. Coping with a chronic illness means that every day is unpredictable. Last week I did nothing other than take a step and my knee locked up for four days. I did all the heat and ice therapies, took extra medication and tried not to complain. But all my plans were cancelled with no advance warning.
[3] Ask questions such as “how far are you comfortable walking today?” and try to accommodate. Remember a two-block walk to the park may seem like miles for her. Stairs may be difficult if not impossible so take the elevator with her. When she walks keep a pace with her and realize she may have to take rest stops even while walking small distances. Chase after her kids and let her have a few minutes of rest. Standing for long can also be challenging. What looks like a short line for the carousel may be impossible for her to withstand. Offer to stand in line and let her jump in later.
[4] Ask polite questions about her illness, such as “what is your greatest challenge?” Avoid telling her about the cures you’ve heard for her illness; the products you may sell that could help her; or about your mother’s cousin’s sister who has the same illness but still manages to raise five children and work full-time.
[5] Be aware of simple things that may be difficult for her. For example, if you go to the beach, you may want to ask her if she would like to be dropped off while you find a parking spot; she may not be able to sit on the ground so bring a few lawn chairs so she isn’t the only one two feet above the rest of your friends. She will likely be limited in her sun-exposure. She may not be able to carry as much picnic items as you can from the car. While you don’t want to make her feel helpless, nor does she want you to make a big deal out of it, just be aware that she may need some extra considerations.
[6] Don’t assume that she can take care of your children, even for five minutes, unless she volunteers. Child-caring is exhausting and caring for her own may be zapping her of the little strength she already has. Plus, if your kids are prone to run out into the street, realize that she may not physically be able to chase them.
[7] Plan activities that she can participate in. While you may love your stroller exercise groups, and mommy-and-me swim classes, these activities may not be options for her. Ask her what kinds of things she likes to do and then join her for these. Keep the activities under three hours; while you may spend six hours at the zoo, affirm that you completely understand she needs to get home. Don’t say, “a little more exercise may do you some good!”
[8] Lastly, say the words to her that every mom wants to hear: “You are an amazing mom and I don’t know how you do it all. I truly admire your perseverance and strength.
